"The Best Part of Loving is not the hope attached, that the person might reciprocate it back; But the Ecstasy of knowing that you loved that person more than anyone else could possibly do…"
“I always have had this huge crush on you” Ashen finally expressed his feeling to Sarah as casually as he could. It had taken a lot of effort for this 16 year old to camouflage his most special feelings with blasé to his most special person - Just to ensure that the cool mid-night air that surrounded them didn’t turn uncomfortable. He wished he could freeze the time and frame that moment.
Ashen and Sarah have been acquainted for two years at Eastern Oxford School of Secondary Studies, a prestigious residential institution. Both in their second and final year of under-graduation, they were in different divisions, separated by their respective streams of subjects.
Ashen Phoenix was from Jerez, Spain and Sarah was from cosmopolitan Milan, Italy. It was only a year ago that they had met serendipitously in common English lecture.
“I always wanted to ask you out, but the hectic scheme of things occupied our times, I know it’s too late now with the preparatory exams round the corner but, I had to tell this, Its killing me from inside” he chuckled. His angel was flattered, “That so sweet of you” she said as she patted his arm and left to rejoin the ‘Fare-Well celebration’, taking his breath away, again.
Sarah was a perfect combination of beauty and brains, determination and kindness, empathy and elegance. Ashen had fallen for Sarah the moment he had spoken to her. The world had become more beautiful for him. She had become the only motivation to attend those early morning classes; he couldn’t wait for the dawn to break. The only person, who should be aware of this but, wasn’t… was he himself. Coming from a conservative family based in sub-urban Spain
He knew it was funny, the way he kept running away from Sarah. He guessed it was a subliminal fear of not been able to handle the happiness or a eerie thought that, Sarah might perceive, he was trying to get too friendly, too early; “my inhibitions, I say” he assumed to himself. What was even funnier after knowing this was, he still had an insatiable wish to be with her from dawn to dusk and back to dawn.
The night he expressed his feeling, He was uninhibitedly elevated. He thought after this Sarah won’t be on his mind; that he will be able to go back to the ‘normal’ life and channelize all his energies in academics, he was so wrong. The feeling had caged him in his thoughts for her and chained him in the depth of those eyes.
The way he felt for her was nothing but paradox defined to him. The moment he thought about her; which was most of the time; his heart started beating three times faster. The intensity of anxiety was more than enough to make him spring back to life, no matter how low and lonely he may have been; at the same time just the thought of hers, calmed him down like a sleeping baby, whenever he was tense from academic stress because of the ongoing exams. He still asked himself, what is it about Sarah that made him go head over heels, is it the depth of those mysterious eyes, the concern in her voice, the warmth in her touch, the comfort he found in her company or simply because… he was able to. He wasn’t able to figure out. All he knew that one look of hers just makes his day and gives enough happiness to forget the sorrows of writing the exams and one smile of hers... he was walking in the clouds again.
There were some things said by his heart about those moments, which his mind was unable to understand and some rationale given by the mind in return, which his heart was not ready to accept. This discrepancy made him experience a very sweet suffering. One of his good friend called it ‘adoration’ he said ‘I don’t know’.
Major part of him had very conveniently convinced him that there is nothing he should expect, as he was already having the time of his life thinking about her, dreaming about her and the limited time & busy schedule had also become an influencing, if not deciding factor in justifying the say of this ‘major-him’. Yet there was a small part within him that was trying to differ. This part was forcing him to look for a ray of hope, to search for an opportunity to articulate himself; to tell her how much he felt for her, how special she was to him, to hold her hand, and to look into her eyes, and say, “This feeling is the best thing that has ever happened to me”.
He was nothing but torn between his two parts and the back drop of exams just adding to this addictive pain. What’s in stores of future he didn’t know. He was just enjoying an indescrible high he got from thinking about her.
After the preparatory exams he wanted to speak to her, wanted to graduate from being her acquaintance to her friend. She declined. It was not like she was closed to anything, but unfortunately he became open to his feelings a bit too late. They spoke rarely but, the noise of quietness always echoed his ears. This long vacuum of silence was now filled by Ashen with a lot of unpleasant emotions, rage -against his own denial for his feelings, fury - against his own lack of courage and frustration. They were nothing but impulsive responses from of his brain, which had temporarily forgotten the terms sanity and logic or a defensive mechanism kicked in to get away from this feeling; but things started to change, the winds of the ambitious summer slowly started to bring his rationality back to life, and for good.
There was no more rage, no more fury as he started to view the unfamiliar experiences he had from a better perspective, from a practical perspective, from Sarah’s perspective. This whole evolution gifted Ashen with the ability to transform his bottled up frustration into constructive energies, which became the source of his strength - profoundly.
The feeling he had for Sarah had been his inspiration and biggest strength in worst of times and the most tempting and addictive distraction; with his new found perspective he decided to give away the tug-of-war which was on for quite some time within him. Not to think about Sahara was a big challenge, they say habits die hard - He was putting the phrase to the test. He hoped that with his new strength he would succeed.
The charade was ending as the final exams concluded, everyone was mentally preparing for the next phases of their lives. The way Sarah always responded to Ashen gave a testimony to the fact that she was the nicest person he had ever met. He knew he’ll be missing his supermodel. And Ashen wrote to Sarah.
“Dear Sarah,
I know I jumped the gun a couple of times, which might have left you with unpleasant state of mind, I am sorry I never meant to hurt you, and never will. Our time here is over and we go separate ways, we depart from here and will be at a distance of understandings. World is a small place and I am sure one day our paths will cross again. And when they do I wish it brings smiles on our faces: as the interactions we had and the conversations which we didn’t will surface from the memories.
I adore you, I really do but I guess this is where and how we say good-bye, and even though I cannot appreciate it, I have to accept and adjust to this fact. I found my happiness in your freedom to make your choices - I wish you always have yours.
I am sure future holds something bright for you and you will reach unscaled heights.
All the best and may luck shine upon you… Always
Truly
-You Already Know.”
Ashen had lived his life to the fullest at Eastern Oxford or… he thought so, because one wish still remained. He wished he could have known Sarah before, wished he could not have ignored his feeling for her, wished he could have spent some more time with her, wished he could have five minutes more.
Sarah is not just a person, but a sweet phase in Ashen’s life that will unfurl every time he will hear the words ‘infatuation’ or ‘beauty’.
He was sad that he realized the meaning of the words feel and feelings very late, but was glad that he did realize it and… the reason was Sarah.
Ashen passed out from his intuition with good grades and a promising career but, left behind a part of his soul which refused to move on. A part that still strolls, may be in those college corridors or in the classroom or may be at the end of staircase, in hope as usual awaiting a glimpse of Sarah… Now Memories
Dhaval Ajit Kolhapure
Love can give the strength you thought you never had…
Courage you thought you never will…
And a realization of both.
